This, my first of many, traumatic event’s, that I will try describe to you, has dominated every aspect of my entire life.
(I HAVE RELIVED THIS EVENT EVERY SINGLE DAY AND NIGHT, OF MY ENTIRE LIFE).
This event happened while living in my first home, in Newcastle upon Tyne. I also remember vividly, living in another house in Newcastle before moving to Gateshead, around three years old. So it’s very likely this trauma happened before I was three. Now try to imagine yourself as a three year old.
I live in an old-fashioned terrace house with a cobbled back street, a bit like what you see in Coronation Street.
One day as I walked out the back door with one of my brothers, I noticed a group of lad’s down the lane, standing around a fire, we went to join them. As I got there my eyes were fixed on this fire, it seemed to be from back door to back door. There were lot’s of ash, and smouldering embers, and scattered flames. I was not now aware of my brother but of a lad to my left and right.
As suddenly as I arrived I distinctly remember the lad on my left grabbing my arm, instantly followed by the one on the right grabbing my other arm. Instantly I was in terror, as they outstretched my arms and in one silent movement my fate was sealed, as they instantly flung me in to the middle of the fire!
In what was an eternity for me, I was flung into this fire! It was as if I was flying across the fire, just above it, with my eyes transfixed on the ashes the smouldering embers and flames flickering. As I glided over them, I remember fixing my sight on the centre of the fire where I was heading. There was the spring frame of a burned out chair that I crashed into. I somehow put my arms forward, reaching out somehow to grab this frame, which was my only sense of survival. Suddenly, I was lying flat in the middle of this smouldering fire, with my face and arms entangled in this red hot framework. At this second in time, I was screaming in the utmost terror - fight or flight even at that young age kicked in, as I instantly jumped up, charged blindly out of the fire and ran as fast as I could. It seemed like I was running out of the fire forever! I was not aware of anyone.
Now here’s the strange bit, that continues to this day…as I ran out of the fire charging up the lane in terror, I was floating above myself, behind myself watching myself, running up the lane. Next I remember…I was watching myself run into the back yard and into the house. For some reason, I can picture the four windows of the house as I ran into the yard; it was as if I was blocking it all out by focusing on the windows. My body had ran into the house as my mind stayed out in the lane.
My mind had lost visual contact with my body as it ran inside.
Everything else is blocked out, so I cannot finish the story. Maybe, this is why I relive it every day. And in my dreams I am often flying through the air.
Maybe it is safer up there?
With care
©Paul Davidson
2008