Having therapy over the loss of my son was both painful and therapeutic. Yet, it was a step in the right direction. But fundamentally, part of my extreme grief I believe was due to the fact that I had suffered so much as a child and so I related my son’s pain with my own pain.
Males inflicted the majority of trauma that I have endured, on me, so it should be no surprise to know that I have a great mistrust in other men. This is the child within me, but now I am of a different mind.
I was offered counselling in 2002 but from a male, which was a very frightening experience. I was very apprehensive and scared for several days. I thought I could never face another man talking about all of my most embarrassing traumas, how misguided I was. I took the decision to face up to my fear and mistrust in other men: A positive outcome in itself.
Now try to put yourself in my shoes; I have had a lifetime of numerous traumas building up inside me and screaming to let it all out, “Help, someone please help!” And this would be to a total stranger, a male at that but such was my desperation, when the time came I lost all inhibitions. Unfortunately when in such a state of desperation you only think in terms of telling of all the bad things that have happened to you, nothing else matters. But if you are to come to terms with such trauma you need to talk it through with the counsellor, make sense of it and find ways to help you cope in your day-to-day life. I guess coping strategies, if you like?
It must have been very obvious to the counsellor I had no ability to cope with so much and that I was just screaming, “Me! Me! Me! I am a victim.” I had no understanding of the way forward. Luckily for me the counsellor knew the way.
After a few sessions of me screaming out with my pain so great (that this counsellor had endured with great patience), in an instant he changed my life for the better. He suddenly shouted out very loudly and firmly, “Paul, don’t play the victim!” I was stunned into silence. I lost my desperate, obsessive thoughts in mid sentence and my past pain was put on hold, while I tried to comprehend what he had shouted at me. “Don’t play the victim?” But was I not a victim, a thousand fold? For a moment I was quite angry-here we go again another abuser. Then in a flash, I knew what he meant and why he had to say it. Now we could start communicating, a two-way conversation where we could calmly discuss many of my problems and make sense of the way I was not able to communicate with people out there in the wider community.First lesson learned, now the progress...
This might not seem much to people but it was a huge step forward for me. I told him, when I am out, I am scared to speak to anyone in case they reject me and that it only takes one person to reject me to feel everyone else will. It was all or nothing, if one person rejected me everyone else will. If I could not speak to everyone in the whole world, I was a total failure. But as I watched out of the window, he very clearly explained to me about people walking past each other, without even noticing each other. He said, “Not even famous people talk to everyone they see or meet. No one has a limitless number of friends; you don’t need that many friends to get on in life. You don’t have to speak to everyone you pass in the street. If you did you would not get very far!” Then I realised many of the people I saw walking by were walking alone, not needing to speak to everyone as they passed in the street and they were just getting on with just being themselves.
A eureka moment - one that left a lasting impression on me.
©Paul Davidson