I have already mentioned the positive therapy that I am much grateful for, which I received from Charitable Organisations. Unfortunately, the draw back from receiving such counselling is the fact they could not give me a diagnosis or signpost me to a health professional to investigate any mental illness further. They could not for instance, send a report to my G.P detailing any mental and physical health problems they might have detected. Counsellors are there to give counselling, not give you a diagnosis. Sadly for me, getting a diagnosis was hugely important to me, I needed to know just what was going wrong in my head, so I could find the right kind of counselling, for my multiple traumas.
Around five years ago a health professional discharged me but at the same time referred me to a Psychologist, this gave me great hope. At last, I was going to get to see a specialist, who would surely let me talk about all my shocking experiences in detail and to get a diagnosis.
Well after several months of waiting, I finally got my first appointment or so I thought. But not before I saw another counsellor from the voluntary sector about one of my physical health problems, which was of an urgent need to me. On mentioning I was to see a Psychologist she advised me it was best that I waited, but she did assure me that the Psychologist would look into all my problems.
I had no choice but to wait. In the mean time, just months before I saw the psychologist, I nearly ended it all, such was my desperation.
Before I could see the Psychologist, I was sent some assessment forms to fill in and return, where I was asked to detail all my problems and how I felt. Well let me tell you, I told of the most desperate of problems and just how urgent my needs were. Here lay a major problem, as filling in these forms was hugely traumatic for me. I could easily have ended it there and then. I needed to tell someone urgently, face to face and to have other support, to enable me to do so. There was no one. I just had to send the forms off and wait for my first appointment.
Finally my big day arrived to see a Psychologist - but I have to high light a major problem here. The location was totally inappropriate, as it was only yards from where a family member goes on a daily basis. A family member I needed counselling over, more than my health needs, yet my concerns were totally ignored. I just had to risk the consequences of coming across this person, which would have caused major problems.
After gaining access to a locked building via an intercom (which is not very reassuring), I was eventually ushered into a small room by the Psychologist. It was immediately apparent to me that I could hear other people talking outside the room; therefore they would be able to hear me and of all my most personal thoughts. This lack of privacy has always been a problem in me opening up fully. And anyone seeking counselling, needs to be aware of the possibility of people overhearing what you are talking about.
Now for the painful bit - rejection of my needs.
After the Psychologist introduced herself, she looked at my files. While she done so, I remember counting every item on her desk, in all manor of multiples. Counting things has long been a coping strategy for me when I’m stressed. I was very anxious and it did not help that this Psychologist seemed to have no emotions whatever. As she started to talk to me I was thinking, she might as well be part of the fixtures. I was counting, as she seemed so cold to me.
This meeting to me was my last chance to save my life, it literally was life our death to me. But here I was with a stranger that was not making me feel safe and…here now is the bad bit.
She promptly told me she could help me with some of my problems but there was a waiting list and I would have to wait three and a half years, take it our leave it. Shock! Horror! I am going to have to die was my instant thought, as my mind blended this stony face into the wall.
She was waiting impatiently for my answer - at this time my whole life was rushing through my mind…I felt deserted, cheated and uncared for. I was outraged and in shock. All these years of built up pain and despair, ready to offload, only to be told, I would have to wait three and a half years. And…to take it our leave it! In spite of my obvious anger, I managed to say I would wait but all I wanted was to see the back of this person forever. Just how could I confide in such a person who has just rejected my most urgent needs?
As it happens, I finally did get to see her after a long wait, and a number of serious suicide attempts in between. Which, I will write of next…
With care
©Paul Davidson
2008